A Date with Alexa
A short story
“Hi! Sorry I’m late, my Uber got stuck. There was a car crash in the…”
“In the Main Avenue, yeah. Don’t worry, I knew it already. It was on Waze.”
“Waze? But you’re at home. Why were you checking Waze?”
“Ha, no, no, it wasn’t me. That would’ve been weird, huh? No, it was Alexa! You were running a bit late, so I asked Alexa if there was traffic and she checked it on Waze for me.”
“Who the fuck is Alexa? You said you lived alone.”
“C’mon! Alexa? Amazon’s virtual assistant? I can’t believe you’ve never heard of her. She’s awesome.”
“Ah, you mean… just like Siri?”
“Like Siri? Way better than Siri. Wait a minute, check this out: Alexa, are you better than Siri?”
— I’m not better, just different.
“You see? Awesome, right?”
“Uh-huh…”
“Sorry, I’m a bit of a geek with that kind of thing. I just installed a beta update. It’s insane, you won’t believe what it can do.”
“Right… anyway, I’m here. What’s the plan? Are we going out for dinner? I’m kind of hungry.”
“I thought we could just chill here, no? You, me, Alexa… we could order some food, watch a movie. What do you think?
“Whatever. As long as there’s food, I’m happy. What are we ordering?”
“Ha, wait a minute. Let’s try this: Alexa, what food should we order?”
— The restaurant with the highest success rate for you in date nights is China Dragon, with 35.6 percent —
“Alexa! Stop! That’s enough, thank you.”
— You don’t need to thank me.
“What does she mean by success rate, David?”
“I have no idea, I swear. You know how those tech companies are always collecting our personal data, right? I’ll make a complaint to Amazon about that. So… do you like Chinese food?”
“Just give me food. Anything.”
“Alright then. Alexa, I want some spring rolls and those noodles I ordered last time. Two, okay?”
— China Dragon has received your payment. The estimated time for delivery is 20 minutes.
“See? See what I’m talking about?”
“That was actually kind of cool.”
“Kind of cool? She’s awesome! Wait, wait. We still need to pick a movie. Check this out now. Alexa, what movie should I watch?”
— The next movie on your playlist is 'Wild college party girls get drunk and—'
“Alexa, stop! Stop! Yeah, there are still some bugs here and there. It’s a beta version. Haha, I don’t know where that came from.”
“That didn’t sound like a bug to me…”
“I’ll report that to Amazon later, that was so weird, right? Let’s try again. Alexa! Pick a movie for us. Something light and fun, okay?”
— Would you like to watch ‘The Lego Movie’?
“See? Everything is awesome! Right? Right? Get it?”
“I’ve never watched it.”
“What? We need to fix that now. Alexa, play.”
— Now playing: ‘The Lego Movie’.
“Awesome, isn’t it?”
“I don’t know, it hasn’t even started.”
“No, not the movie. I mean Alexa!”
“Eh, she’s alright. Do you think she can put the volume up? I can’t hear anything.”
“I don’t know… why don’t you ask Alexa, huh? Ask her!”
“Are we really doing this?”
“C’mon! Do it! It will be fun!”
“Fine. Alexa. Put the volume up.”
— I only follow orders from my master.
“Oops! Sorry, forgot about that! They have included voice recognition in the latest update. I should have turned that off. Maybe you want to include your voice, too? It’s super easy!”
“What did she just call you?”
“What do you mean?”
“She said ‘my master,’ didn’t she?”
“That? Ha, that’s just another bug. I don’t know why she does that.”
“You told the thing that your name was ‘my master,’ didn’t you?”
“Me? What? I told you it was a bug. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Okay, maybe. Yeah. Alright, alright, I’ll confess, I did that. It’s funny, isn’t it? It’s lame. I know, I’ll change that.”
“So it wasn’t a bug.”
“That? No, no, it was just a joke. I’ll change it back to David. It’s silly, I know.”
“I’m guessing the other things weren’t bugs either.”
“Other things? What are you talking about?”
“The movie playlist. The thing about the success rate for different restaurants on date nights, too, whatever that was.”
“What? Haha, you’re getting me confused here. I don’t remember any of that.”
“You know what, I’m not even hungry anymore. I think I’m going home. Thanks for… whatever this was.”
“No! Hey, don’t go like that? What’s this all about? We were having fun! Movie! Dinner! The food will arrive at any minute now, right? Right? Alexa, tell her when the food will arrive.”
— Texting Tiffany: “The food will arrive in 15 minutes.”
“Alexa! Stop! Who said anything about a Tiffany? Why would you do that? Where did you get that name from?!”
— Tiffany is your most recently called female contact. Last message on —
“Alexa! Stop! Stop!”
“What the fuck, David. I saw a Tiffany on your Facebook. She’s your ex-girlfriend, isn’t she? Do you still see her?! I thought you had broken up.”
“I did! I did! That’s an old call, I don’t call people that often. Who makes phone calls these days? It’s all texting, right? Right?”
“Alexa. Tell me when was his last call to Tiffany.”
— I only follow orders from my master.
“Alexa, tell your master he’s an asshole.”
— I only follow orders from my master.
“Alexa, call me an Uber.”
— I only follow orders from —
“Alexa, it’s alright. Call her an Uber.”
— Calling an Uber at 21 Riverside Avenue…
“Alexa, stop! Call an Uber for my address. My home address, okay?”
“That was Tiffany’s house, wasn’t it?”
“It’s a bug. I swear that was a bug.”
“Okay, Alexa, time for an update. Put this one down as unsuccessful, too.
— Date success rate spreadsheet updated.
“Don’t let it change the stats for China Dragon, though. The food arrived on time and it’s awesome as usual.”
— Restaurant spreadsheet updated.
“I guess it’s just me and you for tonight, then. Alexa, let’s watch a movie.”
— Resuming ‘The Lego Movie’.
“Alexa, stop. The other playlist, okay. The other playlist.”
