Thanks for reading and commenting! From your feedback I'm guessing you didn't quite like the piece. I've begun writing short stories recently, so I'm sure there's a lot of room for improvement there.

My idea was to set up a mafia parody in the first half, then turn it on its head with a slightly meatier ending. If it's not too much trouble, do you have any ideas to improve the first half? Was there anything in particular that turned you off? The reading rate for this piece is quite low, so I'm imagining many readers felt the same way.